Hey friends,
I wanted to share a little bit about my journey and how my mind loves to leap from one connection to another and how ideas come around and feel like birds of a feather.
I was reading about the Medium Photo Photographer Support Pledge and this image I took in San Francisco one December popped into my mind.
I thought it would be fun to share this image in this particular moment in time.
It reminds me of that scene from American Beauty where the plastic bag was floating around and how sensitive artists are and what we find captivating. It also reminded me all of a sudden of Fiona Apple’s Paper Bag and where I was when I listened to that song most. I loved that she understood my “daydream of a boy” and that she also mistook a paper bag for a bird like me.
I was watching Making the cut last night so I also thought of paperbag pants.
I kind of visualize something in my mind and then leap around and see what connections also light up.
I also thought I’m not dreaming right now. I miss hugging people, I miss the sun on my face, I’m scared for all the people who are dying, do I have a job if weddings don’t happen, and it goes on and on and I remember there’s a free concert tonight and at least that’s something. I’m sure I will feel touched and connected - probably emotional but again the lights will flicker and if I’m relaxed enough to listen to myself I will play leap frog again.
Ps the video!!!!
The story
I was young and living in Sydney. I took the train to work from Bondi to the CBD with Fiona Apple telling me about love and heartbreak. I didn’t have that many cds. I moved to Sydney after a month of travelling around Europe with a backpack. Can any of us imagine life before Spotify?
I was heading to my office in an old neighborhood under the Harbor Bridge called The Rocks. I was madly in love with Sydney and I’d also fallen pretty hard for an English surfer who played in a band and had long curly hair and an endless tan.
Dating a guy in a band was kind of hilarious. Women threw themselves at him with such reckless abandon. Granted he was great to look at, but he is still an actual person and the rules of society still apply. We would be hanging out at the Bondi Hotel bar holding hands and most likely making out and ladies would come up to him - starstruck and adoring. My lips would be bruised from his kisses and my arm laced through his and women would look at him the way people look at Pandas in the zoo, except for more sexual ha ha. I was amused and a little scandalized by the fact that my standing right there next to him with his arm around my waist didn’t seem to count because he played guitar with his friend Ashley every Sunday night at the hostel bar. He was nice and would always check my face to make sure I wasn’t hurt. I wasn’t. I found it more interesting from a sociological point of view. Band life would clearly not work for me. I couldn’t imagine people seeing me for what I do and not for who I am. It’s like they couldn’t see him at all. I thought he was fun and kind and made every day feel like the best kind of vacation day, I think these women saw something else entirely.
A couple of months later it was New Years Eve and we were hanging out at the beach in the evening. It was such a hot evening, I marvelled at the Southern Sky and how it felt like I was living life in reverse - or the future I never knew which. S was acting weird and putting distance between us that I wasn’t used to. Finally he said, “I need to call my old lady back home”, at midnight and walked away to make a phone call to England.
My mind went in different directions. Oh. My heart stopped. Ok so … I think he has a girlfriend in England even though he has been gone for almost a year. And he calls her my old lady. I’m guessing she isn’t even 25 yet and also the feminist in me was so dumbstruck. I was thinking … I’m dating someone who so obviously cares about me but is also an asshole. Maybe she dates other people too and maybe this is some kind of agreement between them but either way everyone including me is an asshole. I wasn’t looking to marry this rollercoaster but I wasn’t looking to be some kind of… what? 2nd place? Back up? Competitor? It was never the same after that moment. I couldn’t get lost in his kisses. I knew I didn’t exactly have the right to be angry. We were just dating but also I didn’t need someone who acted or was head over heels for me, but also was stringing someone else along whether she knew about me or not.
I wonder if they are married now. I wonder if he still sings to her or plays music on Sundays. I wonder if he cut his hair.As for me, I made space in my life for something better. I listened to Fiona Apple on my way to work and thought I’m not alone. I’m not the only one to confuse a bird with a paper bag.
Fiona Apple : Paper Bag
I was staring at the sky
Just looking for a star
To pray on or wish on
Or something like that
I was having a sweet fix
Of a daydream of a boy
Whose reality, I knew,
Was a hopeless to be had
But then the dove of hope
Began its downward slope
And I believed for a moment that
My chances were
Approaching to be grabbed
But as it came down near,
So did a weary tear
I thought it was a bird,
But it was just a paper bag
Hunger hurts,
And I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts but starvin' works
When it costs too much to love
And I went crazy again today
Looking for a strand to climb
Looking for a little hope
Baby said he couldn't stay
Wouldn't put his lips to mine
A fail to kiss is a fail to cope
I said, "Honey, I don't feel so good,
Don't feel justified.
Come on put a little love here in my void"
He said "It's all in your head"
And I said "So's everything"
But he didn't get it
I thought he was a man
But he was just a little boy
Hunger hurts, and I want him
So bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I'm a mess he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works
When it costs... too much to love
Hunger hurts, but I want him so bad, oh it kills
'Cause I know I am a mess that he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold because these hands are just too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works me
When it costs... too much to love
Hunger hurts, but I want him so bad, oh it kills me
Because I know that I'm a mess that he don't wanna clean up
I got to fold because these hands are just too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving, it works
When it costs too much to love