In 48 hours we will transfer the embryos and I want to be in the best place possible. Our dreams could come true. Maybe two days from now something beautiful will happen. During RTT therapy last night, I delved into my subconscious beliefs that I had created as a child about how the world isn’t a safe place for babies, and babies somehow hurt their moms during pregnancy.

One of my memories was of my little brother coming home from the hospital. My mom seemed tired and she was heavier and just wanted to sit on the couch. Little me thought the baby hurt my mom. I didn’t like the baby at first. It was clear that everyone else did and that my mixed feelings were wrong. I didn’t know why people weren’t madder at the baby for hurting my mom. The baby was also supposed to be a girl and it felt like a lie - I felt so betrayed that the baby came home as a boy. My head was spinning, 6-year-old me was confused.

The reality was that my mom had a wonderful pregnancy. I always had this fear of being pregnant and never knew why. I feel like in my conscious mind now, everything has been cleared. I feel like my chances for IVF just exploded into the sky.

I can exhale and keep going to this happy, creative space in my mind that is expansive, playful, and fun. Finally.

Now have a secret smile. I feel really, really excited to try in two days. What if it happens?a