I want to be a mom, I’m unwavering in this idea. My most beautiful dream is sitting with Mike on a couch, playing with our baby in pajamas by a Christmas tree. I know this is what I want. The will is there and I am strong. I’m balancing the hope of this dream against what I can survive and still keep of myself; my mind, my spirit.
I don’t really understand what happens to me when IVF doesn’t work. How do people survive multiple attempts? How are people made that strong? I’ve never seen myself as weak until we started our fertility journey. Not one day.
Why can’t I handle this? Every month we don’t get pregnant I’m sad. Just because you try IVF doesn’t mean you get pregnant. After the first attempt I was sad for a few days. Every day got a little better.
And then it didn’t. For seven weeks I felt like someone had died. Not uno and dos, not our pregnancy. It didn’t appear to be related to anything. The moments accosted me randomly and constantly. I felt terrorized by grief. I didn’t understand a grief that didn’t feel like mine. Why? Why does it feel this way? I know why I’m willing to risk feeling this way again, but why does it happen?
